Arranging the blues

My life has changed drastically in the last three months. I live in town. I work two jobs, (one that provides healthcare - yay!) so I work 5-7 days a week these days. I’m always tired and barely able to focus on state or local politics which makes me feel negligent and guilty. I promise myself that I will dive back in once the school year is over and I am down to one part-time job and a little breathing room (taken up by fewer naps.)

One luxury I am affording myself is a Tuesday night class called “Reclaiming Attention”. Our homework last week was to take a “collection walk” which is just what it sounds like and open ended. On a rare morning off, I did laundry at the laundromat down the road from my place and took a walk while my clothes soaked, sudsed, surged and spun. The first thing I noticed just outside was a nub of deep blue chalk. I decided to collect anything blue that caught my eye. It turned into a lucrative journey. I soon had my dog poop bag packed with filthy little treasures. With my eyes seeking blue, a lot popped out, possibly to the exclusion of other colors. I wonder if I would have found as much of any other color I’d have chosen.

When I got home I put on my to-do list, “arrange the blues”. It occurred to me that I have been living in that state for the last three months or so. On paper I really have nothing to be happy about. My partner decided that I don’t fit in her life, I’m 62 living alone in a crappy apartment in a town I’m not crazy about with few friends nearer than 1,800 miles away. I can’t afford to move back to the west coast both because of health insurance provided by my part time job, and the expense of moving. And frankly the thought of being hemmed in by those damned mountain ranges raises my shoulders to my ears, tightens my jaw and furrows my brow. Oh and - this state and country is being run by reckless, sadistic lunatics and billionaires who are destroying life as we know it on this planet.

Yet there are only a few days here and there that I am truly miserable. Those are days that I have my attention trained on how miserable I should be to the exclusion of the things I can be happy about: I have created a cozy space to be and do whatever I like. I enjoy both of my jobs. I have many many people who love me and whom I love even though we live far apart. I have my health, my creativity, some puzzles and cat who likes to snuggle. There are multiple movements of caring, passionate people who are pushing back and working hard to save our democracy and planet. Plus I live near the train tracks and get to hear the whistle and roar multiple times a day. When it’s not the train, I live within a soundtrack of robins, finches, sparrows, juncos, redwingled black birds, grackles, cardinals and anyone else who may perch nearby.

Even in town the sky can blow my socks off.

Looking forward to more free time to engage and write into the world. Stay tuned.